Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.