Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”