*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
You Might Also Like
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
This forever.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
ok hear me out: Luigiana