Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
you stereotypes are all alike
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
mom gave me mine for free
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.