@ScottLinnen: Turns out telling a friend "you're giving off a weird vibe tonight" is not the most direct way to tell them they're on fire
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.” Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
@apok842: You lost your phone and it is on silent? Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
@PeaceInTruth1: Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir. Me: Do you walk with a limp? Telemarketer: No. Me: Want to? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time.
@BrassBallsCJ: Friend: I'm just not sure if she's into me. Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I'd say that's a hard no.