@ScottLinnen: Turns out telling a friend "you're giving off a weird vibe tonight" is not the most direct way to tell them they're on fire
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@hmmwalsh: Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they're going to say something wrong.
@ArfMeasures: [Tim Burton tries baseball] COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now T: Yes C: Ok. Pitch T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De- C: I'm gonna kill him
@OBiiieeee: Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we're gonna go pro.
@CoopFogg: When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I'm a pretty princess". And they do. And I am.