@ScottLinnen: Turns out telling a friend "you're giving off a weird vibe tonight" is not the most direct way to tell them they're on fire
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@Home_Halfway: Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane's going down. Look, stop screaming, that's not going to make me a better pilot
@hazelmotes1: Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with "daaaaad I have to peeeeee"
@RandiLawson: I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my 'May Know' Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we've both agreed not to be friends
@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would