I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
This has made my week.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’