What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.