Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
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Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I think about this a lot
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.