My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
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Not today. 😅
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.