@AristotlesNZ: Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their "eating disorder".
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@aka_fatman: Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
@Mr_Kapowski: 8 year old daughter: I wish I had been born a twin Me: You were a very hungry fetus- Wife: Ok that's enough time with Dad for today
@crayan9: I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over
@TheTweetOfGod: Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty, and money can buy a lot of other really cool stuff, so try to have some at all times.