@NolaChef504: Turns out there isn't a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
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@DanMentos: *sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she’s holding a clipboard* god dammit
@FredPollack: Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
@juliussharpe: I rented a tuxedo then didn't need it. Do you know how hard it is to sublet a tuxedo?
@TJ_TheMenace: Her: Sir, you account has been hacked. Me: Twitter? Her: No. Your Bank acc. Me: Ooooh Thank God.