Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play