@StellaRtwot: Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my brother says I can't be the God Mother.
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@AdamOfEarth: Optimus Prime: "I transform from a robot into a truck. You?" Amazon Prime: "I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM."
@JasonCarney31: *sets up booth, hangs up sign "$5 Mustache Rides!" *nobody shows up. I knew I shouldn't have named the damn pony 'mustache'
@awesomelocks: Woman: The bees are dying. random male: I don't know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I'M not killing bees.
@ElKnuckelhombre: My neighbor's looking at me like she's never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what's with the screaming? And the golf club?!