@StellaRtwot: Turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my brother says I can't be the God Mother.
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@AristotlesNZ: A guy once told me life's too short to stress, but it turned out that life's much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.
@ericsshadow: If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
@TheTweetOfGod: Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
@Token_Geezer: A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar. Everyone else in the bar leaves.