[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people