my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
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My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
San Francisco has too many rules
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*