TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Comparing yourself to others
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋