TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
You Might Also Like
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.