Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer