I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
You Might Also Like
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???