tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
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I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”