I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you