‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus: