‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
You Might Also Like
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂