Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
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[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there