[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
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If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily