*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
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I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
This dude got his own movie?
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.