Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
look at me when i’m typing to you
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.