Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
The glockness monster
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side