One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
saw this in a dream
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Barbie gone wild
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind