I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.