Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.