Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Customize Your Wedding.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Pringles
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.