You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
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Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”