Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
You Might Also Like
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Me if I was a dog
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.