If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !