Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Confused owl: What?!
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?