@SwanieChicken: Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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@ItsAndyRyan: Just misread a headline 'Trump wins big' as 'Trump bins wig'. I thought: 'about time too'.
@RuthePhoenix: Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
@That_Damn_Duck: Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct. Poor Superman.
@StarWarsProblms: Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is. Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.