Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Not today
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
inside you are two wolves
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
the short answer to this question
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.