@SwanieChicken: Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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@findmydolls: It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
@PaperWash: I'm sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That's your new name now, there's nothing we can do about it.
@WhaJoTalkinBout: [taking out trash] Me: Hey, I'm Jo. I live over there Neighbor: Yes, you say that every week. M: I'm sorry, I'm high af N: You say that, too
@CurlsOnGirls: I love people who order coffee like they're giving the pass code to a missile defense system.