I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.