Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
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Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
this is how life feels
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*