Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Swedish for common sense.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US