Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
You Might Also Like
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building