I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
You Might Also Like
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
The Birdles
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
A family that plays together cheats.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.