@Lunatic_times: Twitter is the witness protection program from family on Facebook.
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@secondofhername: Lawyer: As My Lord knows,... Judge: Don't presume I know it, counsel. Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know...
@Jandalize: I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they're 21.
@mrtruthandsoul: *holding cardboard sign by intersection* NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL