The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?