I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
You Might Also Like
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?