Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Everything reminds me of my ex
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
pls suprot
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.