TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
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Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.