@Dawn_M_: Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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@notfaizzy: My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone's been thinking of me so much they're giving me a stroke!
@0point5twins: Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
@blondecalamity: Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!
@TheToddWilliams: [grocery produce aisle] ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?