Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
couldn’t resist
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!