Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
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Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.