me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
You Might Also Like
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME