In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
i made a craigslist ad !
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it