Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
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I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.