@Bacon_Ball: Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn't panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them "people are about to die". Then Hung up.
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@ibid78: [interview for CIA] Your résumé says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*
@AaronMichael_: Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
@Prof_Hinkley: [After 20 min at your house] I used all your toilet paper "Check in the cabine-" All of it "We have more in the gar-" All of it all of it
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Boss: We're all human. We all make mistakes. Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]